Dean Winchester's Diary

Dear Diary,
I can't believe that my little brother Sammy would not do anything to save me. I would do anything to save his life and I have. I went to Hell and suffered so that he could be alive and what did he do. He slept with a demon and sucked her blood and used his demonic powers to send demons back to Hell. Then he started to kill demons with his demonic powers. I still can't believe he did that when I sacrificed my very soul for his life. Then he went and killed Lilith and started the apocalypse and I just didn't have the strength to stop him. He was so hopped up on demon blood that he wouldn't listen to a word I said. I even called him on his cell and tried to reason with him and he just ignored it.
I know Sammy is mad at me right now because I tricked him into being possessed by an angel, but what was I supposed to do. Let him die. Let my little Sammy die. I just couldn't do it. Sammy needed to live and that damn angel went and tricked me. How was I to know that angel was lying to me and pretending to be Ezekiel? How was I to know that he would kill my other little brother Kevin. Kevin who had become a part of my family. Kevin who was translating the angel tablet for me. I can still see him laying there on the floor with his eyes burned out. I know it's all my fault and I will hunt down and kill that lying angel Gadreel. That's who was really in my brother for months. Then he tried to take over my brother's body permanently and I had to have Crowley possess Sammy and save him. So Sammy was possessed by a lying, rotten and killing angel and the King Of Hell for a short time. That's no reason to be mad at me. I had to make those decisions and I did them all for Sammy. Everything I have done has all been for Sammy. My whole life is all for Sammy.
I just don't know why Sammy is still mad at me. I told him that everything is all on me and that I would find and kill Gadreel, but he doesn't seem to care. Sure, I left right after seeing my little Sammy poked in the head with pins and possessed by an angel and a demon, but I left him in the good hands of my brother Castiel. Sure, Castiel has betrayed me and he's hurt Sammy, but I knew he would be safe and that Castiel would heal him and take care of him. I just had to go and get that dirty angel Gadreel. Okay, sure I ended up in a bar and ended up working with Crowley. Crowley tricked me again and now I have the mark of Cain on me. I don't know what's going to happen now and Sammy still is mad at me and he told me he would not save me like I save him. I still can't believe he said that. I've been crying and crying. I've drank a ton of booze to drown all the pain of knowing that my little brother who has been my life would not save me.
All I want out of this crappy life is to be with Sammy beside me in the Impala. He's the only family I have left, even though I think of Castiel as family too. Sammy is blood and I want my Sammy to always be with me.
I've been reading about this mark on my arm and I'm getting kind of scared. I hope that I don't ever have to kill Sammy. But, if someone has to kill my brother, then it's going to be me and only me. I'll kill him because I love him.
Oh! crap. I think I need to run to the liquor store. I'm out of hunter's helper and I really need to numb this pain in my heart and soul. I'm tired of crying all the time and trying to hide it from Sammy. Now that we're back in the bunker together, I have to hide all the tears and pain and be strong. I have to be the strong brother for Sammy. Sammy depends on me and I can't let him down. Daddy's words always ring in my head to take care of Sammy. I always have and I always will. I'll save him or I'll kill him and it will all be for him. All for Sammy.