Christmas Eve

Today I went to my sister's for dinner. It was a little family get together. It was nice that I got to spend some time with a few of my family members. I'm sad because this was the first year that my family didn't have a Christmas Eve party. We've always had one since I was a little girl. We had food, exchanged gifts and played games. I still remember all the years past and I cherish the memories of all those Christmas Eve's and everyone I shared them with. My one sister went to Mexico for Christmas with her friend and her two kids. This is the first Christmas that she hasn't spent here. For the last two years we had the party at her house. My mom and I didn't even put up a tree. I wanted to, but my Mom didn't because of the windows being installed. I think we could have moved the tree, but I didn't want to fight with her. We didn't get any snow down here in the valley where I live, but the mountains have plenty. It's cold, but that's it. I wish it would have at least snowed a little for Christmas.
My oldest sister and I went to see Narnia:The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader and I just got home a few hours ago. I had a good time and I'm glad I got to see this movie. It seems like I hardly get to the movies lately. I've wanted to see movies, but sometimes I just don't find the time to go. I've loved all three of the Narnia movies so far.

I watched A Very Supernatural Christmas again last night. I am obsessed with Supernatural and I watched Appointment in Samarra again too. I wanted to see it again just to see those scenes with Bobby and Sam. I still don't get Dean. Does he even know Sam at all. He just thinks Sam should be good and sweet and want certain things. Who knows what Sam really wants because we never get to know what he's thinking and it seems like Dean doesn't care most of the time what Sam wants. I think if Death had not shown up, Dean would have killed soulless Sam, just because of what he said. He told Bobby that he couldn't keep doing this and I think he was considering killing Sam. I don't know why Dean thinks Sam is so dangerous. And not just Sam without his soul. Dean has locked up Sam in that panic room when he had his soul, so I just don't understand. Dean thought Sam was dangerous because he wanted revenge on Lilith who was a demon and Dean did not know at the time that killing her would break the last seal. Dean thought Sam was dangerous when he drank demon blood and killed Famine who was a horseman that would have killed how many people. So, how was Sam a danger to anyone, but evil creatures. Then soulless Sam only tried to kill Bobby because he didn't want his soul back and he was willing to do anything not to have it.
I still think Death purposely showed Dean what happens when you mess with Death and the natural order of things. Dean has messed with Death how many times now. Maybe that's why everyone dies all the time around both Sam and Dean because Death won't be cheated. Tessa told Dean that the little girl if she stayed alive would only cause chaos and death all around her. It made me think of Sam. Maybe Sam wasn't supposed to be born or be alive and that's why everyone dies around him and has since he was a baby. I still wonder if Sam isn't half angel or half demon. Jesse the kid that was half demon and half human was hidden from angels and demons. What if the same thing applies to Sam? Maybe Azazel gave Sam and the other psychic kids blood, so that he could find them when it was time and to keep track of them. The demons lost track of Jesse and they didn't know where he was because the mom gave him up for adoption. It's just something I've thought of, but I doubt it is. I doubt the writer's will ever explain why Sam was special. I hope they do, but I've resigned myself to the fact that they probably won't.

I also think Dean needs to realize that soulless Sam was still Sam or a part of him. Does and can Dean accept Sam for who and what he is? Sam isn't perfect and he's not sweet and innocent either. He's done things that he's felt guilty about with his soul, let alone without it. What led Sam to drinking demon blood in the first place and to Sam listening to Ruby? Dean's deal for Sam's life. Dean probably wasn't supposed to die after his father gave up his life for him. Dean knocked over a huge domino when he made the deal for Sam to be brought back to life and look at all the deaths that resulted from it. Maybe that was supposed to be Sam's time to die and maybe that's why we never got to see him with a reaper. So we would not know what happened or where Sam's soul went. Dean brought Sam back to life and he probably wasn't supposed to be alive and how many people died because of it and the apocalypse started because of Dean's choice. I love how fans want to put all the blame on Sam for all kinds of crap and Sam was dead. Dean made the choice to bring Sam back to life, not Sam. Dean is responsible for everything that has happened since he made that deal and maybe deep down Dean knows this and that's why he's been treating Sam the way he has. I'm trying to figure it out. This is just my opinion, but I still think Dean saw in soulless Sam himself and he was afraid, not of Sam but of himself and what he did. Dean said that soulless Sam was acting like him and Dean has always had low self esteem and self worth. I still think when he beat the crap out of Sam, he wasn't angry at Sam, but at himself. When soulless Sam was around, it was like Dean was with himself and he could not stand it because I still think Dean doesn't like himself and who he is. Dean doesn't have any self respect, so he has no respect for anyone or anything, even Death. I don't know. I said I hated Dean, but that's not true. I still love Dean and I'm still just trying to figure him out and understand him. I still want Dean to find self worth and to see Sam for who he is and not who Dean wants him to be.

I know I expect a lot from the show, but I'd love to see real brother moments between Sam and Dean, not fake crap. I want to see Sam and Dean having real conversations and getting to know each other better and what each of them want from each other. I don't want them to just pretend the last how many years didn't happen. That's stupid and unrealistic. I would not mind a few angry words between them as well as the good words. Sam's going to have his emotions back and that doesn't just mean the good ones.

I'm trying not to go on message boards right now. I've gone to the CW just to read a few things and to post a few posts, but that's it. I love reading some of the stuff posters write about. Most of it makes me laugh my butt off and makes me smile and feel good. I'm grateful to those people for that. The sad part is, that sometimes I read crap that makes me mad in between reading the good stuff. I mostly ignore it. I'm sick of some fans trying to make Dean into something he's not and never will be. The only way he'll be that way is in their loony imaginations and that's it. It's just scary sometimes to read some of that crap.

Well, I'm done for now. It's been a long day.