When You Think You Know Someone

I always thought that I knew a certain friend of mine and who she was. I can't believe how wrong I was. You find out that the person you thought you knew, is not who you believed they were. I thought of this friend like she was one of my sisters. Now I realize how stupid I was to think that. Now I see her for the lying, phony and manipulative bitch that she really is. I can't believe all the phony crap she puts on Facebook. I wish her so-called friends really knew her and what she was like. I could write down all kinds of stuff she's done, but who really cares about her anymore. I still love her little daughter dearly and it breaks my heart that I'll probably never get to spend time with her again, but I guess that's just how it is. I've been thinking about her a lot lately because I can't help it. I missed her baptism and that just sucks. I don't care what religion she is because I'm not prejudiced against any religion. It would just have been nice to be there. I still remember when she was born and I got to hold her first. I'm grateful to my friend for that and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I wish that I had never gotten to know my friend or her children.
I'll always cherish the memories I have of my friend, when I thought she was really my friend. I had a lot of good times with her throughout the years and I remember so much of it. Sometimes I wish I could forget like she's obviously done. I still remember all the trips I went on with her and my one sister. I had a lot of fun on all of them. Now, I wonder if my sister and her didn't want me along on those trips just to help pay, so they would not have to pay for everything. Who knows anymore? It's really sad that our friendship ended because she wanted to adopt my niece's baby and I didn't think it was right. She wanted to break up my niece's family and thought the baby would be better off with her instead of with his mother and brothers. She didn't even care about my niece's other children. Like maybe they would want to know their little brother, their own flesh and blood. I just don't get it at all.

Then my sister who I loved more than anything in this world has turned into a total and complete stranger who I don't know. Last time I saw her was about a month ago. It was a miracle I saw her then because obviously she's too busy to come visit or she doesn't care to and I guess that's her choice. I guess my friend and her kids mean more to her than her own family does. I thought she loved and cared about me, but I doubt she does. Most of the time she probably wanted me to be just like her and her friend and I just can't be. I love how my sister has come over to my place and tells me what I should do with my bedroom. It's not her bedroom and she doesn't have to live there, so what makes her think what she likes would be what I would like. Then I should get new carpeting and blinds and just get rid of my cat that I've had for over 16 years like she's an old piece of trash that I should throw out. I love my Mully and I won't get anything new until she dies. I don't care how old and worn it is. I love my cat more than a stupid room or anything else for that matter.
It hurts to think of my sister because she was my idol. She's the person that I always used to look up to and believe in. I used to believe everything she told me like it was gospel or something. I can't believe how stupid I was. My sister has done a lot for me and I'll always love and be thankful to her for that. She helped me out with a lot of things when I needed her. My other sisters have too. It's funny but she told me that if she didn't have her friends kids in her life, then she'd have nothing. That was just like saying I'm nothing and our whole family is nothing to her. She's the one that stays away and never comes to visit us. I've wished for her to come and visit, but she stopped and I know why. She made her choice between us and her friend and she chose her friend and her kids. That's the kind of person my friend really is. She's a selfish bitch that pretends to care about people, but she really doesn't because it's all just an act.
I just really needed to write this. Maybe that's the way I feel about Dean on Supernatural because he's like this sister of mine. You have an older sibling that doesn't even know you and who is constantly telling you what to do because they think they know what's best for you. Sometimes they don't. I looked up to this sister like Sam looked up to Dean while I was growing up. I wanted to be just like her the same way Sam wanted to be like Dean. I think Sam found out that maybe he didn't want to be like Dean and that's how I feel about my sister right now. I would never want to be like her or who she is. One time I thought I did, but now I'm glad that I'm nothing like her. She has how much, but she doesn't realize it. Most of the time she just wants more. I thought she was really smart and I really admired her art because she could draw the best pictures. She never did draw anything for me and that should have been a clue how she felt about me. She always wanted to impress friends that never gave a crap about her and she probably still does that today and so does her friend.
I don't care if I never have a ton of friends because most of them would be false friends. They'd be the kind that never really give a crap about you, but say they do. Sometimes I'll be truthful with people and I don't care. I'm not going to tell people a bunch of untrue shit just to be friends with them and I'm not going to go along with what they like to please them and make myself miserable. Friends are people who love you for who you are and not what they want you to be. If they don't like or love you for you, then they're not real friends. I guess my friend was never really my friend at all because she probably never did like me for who I really am. Neither did my sister. I can't be someone I'm not to please other people because then I'm miserable and it just takes to much effort to be false.

It's funny because I always imagined this day would come and I hoped that it never would. I knew back when I was spending time with my sister and friend that one day it would be over and never be the same again. I'll always cherish the memories of the years I spent with my sister and friend. I did so many fun things with them and I'll never forget them even if they do. I don't care. I still love them both, but I know they don't feel the same way about me. My friend especially and I wonder if she ever really did care or if it was all an act. I guess it doesn't matter.
It sometimes hurts to think of everything and remember all that we did together and all the good times we had or I had with them. I went on a lot of trips with them, I saw a ton of movies with them, I went shopping with them too many times to count and I remember concerts I went to with them. I went to my first ever concert with them and it was Fleetwood Mac, one of my favorite groups ever.
Okay, I think I just needed to type again and vent a little about things. What better place than here in Hell.