I Don't Care Anymore

I really don't care anymore about anything. I'm so tired of everything. I'm sick of my family and all their dramatic crap. All they want to hear is lies, so that they can feel good about themselves. They can lie to themselves all they want to because I'm tired of it and I'm tired of caring about them. My family thinks that all I care about is Supernatural or my TV shows. I only care about them to escape my family. My family usually causes all my stress and worries. It's very sad when your family are supposed to be the people that support and love you and lift you up when you're depressed and my family is the opposite. All they do is knock me down or try to make me feel like shit. They shove all their problems on me or I end up hearing about all their problems and I can't just ignore them.
I've always used TV shows, music and my books to escape from everything. They usually don't disappoint or depress me. It's funny because John Denver, who I never met in real life saved my life. He saved my life every time I listened to his music. It was like a drug or something. I always believe in myself and the world when I listen to his music. He lifted me up when I was at the lowest point in my life.

Most of my life, I've just wanted to die or be gone. I guess I feel like Sam in Supernatural because sometimes this life is a living hell. I've also felt like I'm a ghost or something. I sometimes wonder if I'm really here. Sometimes people can see me and other times, I'm totally invisible or people pretend they don't see me.

I sometimes wonder if I'm autistic or something because I have a hard time communicating with people. I sometimes wonder why I even try to because it always turns out bad. I'm a quiet person usually and the reason that is, is because what's the point of talking when no one listens or hears what you're saying. You might as well not say anything at all. I thought I'd try message boards and such and try to communicate with people who like the same things I do. They turned out bad just like everything else.

I'm starting to wonder about computers and the internet and how evil they really are. It seems like since I got my computer that I've gotten into more fights with my family and other people. I guess that's just because I started to tell people things they don't want to hear. People just want you to lie to them or tell half truths or tell them what they want to hear or you should agree with them and not have your own opinion.

I guess I should just stop communicating or trying to and go back to living in my fantasyland. I wish that I could. I don't have a good feeling about Supernatural for this upcoming season and I'm hoping that I don't end up hating it even or wishing it had ended at season 5. I need to lose myself in something right now. I've been watching some of my old shows that I used to love, like Emergency. I've also been reading some really good books and trying to spend more time reading and less time on the computer. I'm reading a really awesome vampire book that doesn't romantize vampires, but keeps them as evil creatures that need to be destroyed not loved. I haven't even wrote anything more on my Supernatural story. I just can't seem to concentrate on it with all that's been going on.

I don't care what anyone in my family does next because I'm sick of caring. They can do whatever they want to and I hope they don't tell me about it because I just don't want to hear it anymore. Ignorance is bliss. They probably won't talk to me and that's just fine with me because I'm sick of hearing about all their petty problems that they create for themselves and then whine about it and cry that someone ruined their lives. I wish they'd take responsibility for their own choices they make in life and quit blaming other people already. When I choose to do something and it turns out wrong, I look in the mirror and that's the person I blame. Myself and no one else. I choose what I do and if I choose wrong, I own up to it and I don't blame others.

WOW! for not caring, I've sure posted a lot on the subject, but there's nowhere else to go and no one to talk to, so I get to put this all down here. There's no point anymore trying to connect to people. I don't think I'll even try to again. I've been alone for 41 years, but I've never been lonely because I have myself.