Goodbye 2012

The past year was an okay year for me. The beginning of the year was kind of rocky at work, but then things got better. My favorite part of 2012 was going to the Supernatural Burbank Con. I had a great time there and it was kind of fun to travel on my own. I still love going with someone though and I'll be going to the Vegas Con with my sister come March.  TV was pretty good this year. I started watching a couple of new shows like The Voice and Once Upon A Time. A lot of good albums came out this year and I've been enjoying listening to them. My favorite was Ceremonials by Florence And The Machine. I didn't read as much this year with all the stuff that's been going on, but I did read some really great books as well from all my favorite authors.
The end of this year has been full of ups and downs. I feel so bad about what's happened to my Mom. I thought she was going to die about three times and she's still here. Now, I'm hoping she'll get better and either be able to come home or go into assisted living.  I just would like to see her getting back to walking and doing the things she used to do. It's up to her though. She's in a care facility right now and she's been there for a month. I don't know what will happen.
Despite everything that's happened with my Mom. I had a good Christmas. I saw her and my family. I got to spend time with how many members of my family. It felt good to spend time with them. It seems that I never get to spend a lot of time with them anymore. I went to how many good movies this year. Les Miserables, The Hobbit, Breaking Dawn part 2, The Possession and Parental Guidance.
Here's to hoping that 2013 is a great year. I'll do my best to make it one no matter what happens.

I Dreamed A Dream Of Supernatural

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and Supernatural worth watching
I dreamed my love for Sam and Dean would never die
I dreamed that Chuck would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid and dreams were made and used and wasted

But the demons come at night
With their voices soft like Crowley
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

They spent multiple summers on my walls
And filled my days with wonder
But season 8 came along and it was gone

And still I dream Sam and Dean will be like brothers
But there are dreams that cannot be
And storms I cannot weather like Amelia and Benny

I had a dream Supernatural would be
So different from this hell it is
Now Carver has killed the dream I dream

Gossip Girl Forever

It's been a while since I've posted because I've just been too lazy and too sick to. I wanted to post right away about the end of Gossip Girl, but I didn't feel good. I'm really going to miss this show being on every Monday night. The finale was awesome. I couldn't have asked for a better ending to such a great show. I've loved this show since it first started and I never missed one episode. I will keep watching my DVD's for a long time because I can see it all again. I'm so happy that they made sure to have Jenny and Eric be in the finale. I've missed them for the last couple of years. Chuck and Blair will now be forever and I love that. I knew they'd end up together when the show ended. I was well rewarded for all my loyalty to this show.

I love all my shows because they've really helped me when I've been depressed. I watch all the characters and I actually never wish I was any of them, but it would be nice sometimes to live in their worlds for a brief time. I'd never want to stay longer than a couple of hours though. TV characters sure have more problems than normal people, but on the other hand, a lot of them have more people who love them and are there for them than real people do. It's nice to wish yourself into TV land and stay there just to forget your problems for a while.

I've seen the end of how many shows now that I love. Smallville, One Tree Hill and now Gossip Girl. I've loved these shows for years. I love Supernatural, but I don't think it's going to end like any of these shows. I'm actually scared about how it will end. I want to love the show until it ends, but it's getting very hard to do so right now. I was never obsessed with any of my other shows like I have been with Supernatural. I think my obsession is over now though and I still love it, but not as much as the earlier seasons. I've been watching   the Christmas episode how many times and I realize how different the show really is now. Dean actually used to love and care about Sam and now I feel like he could care less what happens to Sam. Sam cares and loves Dean, but Dean acts like Sam doesn't give a crap about him. I don't know what Sam could possibly do to make Dean realize how much he cares about him. Nothing I guess. As I was watching the Christmas episode and Sam giving Dean that amulet, I thought about something. Why did Sam give Dean the amulet? Because he knew he could always count on Dean and that Dean was there for him. Maybe that's why Dean threw the amulet in the trash because he knew that Sam would not be able to count on him anymore. It was more about how Dean felt and not how he felt about Sam and that's why he threw it away. I hate fans who think Sam should have pulled it out of the trash and tried to give it to Dean again, when Dean clearly didn't want it anymore. It would be really funny if Kevin finds out that the amulet is important to closing the gates of hell or whatever and Dean then realizes he threw it away and they have no idea where it is, but they need it.
Part of me no longer gives a crap about Dean or what he even thinks of Sam. Dean seems to only worry about what he needs or wants and could care less what Sam wants or needs. To me, that is selfish. It's funny that fans think Dean is the poor injured party and that Dean isn't selfish for not even caring what went on with Sam while he was in Purgatory. It's not like Sam went to Purgatory himself and then just found a way out and left Dean there. It's not Sam's fault that Dean had to be the big hero and kill Dick and end up in Purgatory. I read how much crap and can't even believe what I'm reading. It's still the same. Dean is always right and anyone he wants to be friends or family with is great and Sam is always wrong and anyone he even talks to is evil or horrible and how dare he choose or be with anyone other than Dean. Dean can choose angels, vampires or anyone over Sam and it's great and he's a wonderful loving brother to Sam. That's utter and complete crap. It's funny because I think a lot of Dean fans are hypocrites just like Dean. I stay far away from those fans.

Wow! Long post. I guess I just needed to write for a little bit. My poor Mom is in a care facility and now she has two infections she's trying to fight. I've been praying for her. Hopefully one day her suffering will end either way. She'll either get better or God will take her home. I can't stand seeing her this way. It's very hard and I'm sure more harder for her than me.

Alone

I'm all alone writing this. Usually my Mom is here with me. She went back into the hospital two weeks ago and now she's in a care facility. Who knows if she'll ever come home? I miss her being here in the house and it's way too quiet now. I try to pretend that she's just gone to the gambling town on the bus or she went there with my sister or something. I saw her yesterday and she didn't look good or very happy. I don't think I'd be happy either if I was her. First she had to deal with all the stuff with her heart, then she came home and had to go right back to the hospital for more stuff. I've been stressing out and worried about her and my family and what's going to happen.
Watching my shows has helped a little bit and Blake Shelton really made me smile and laugh with his Christmas special. Even Supernatural was pretty good this last Thursday. I had to go back to work as well. I'll probably be only working for a few more days. I can't take the inner conflict with my family either. I love them all, but it feels like I'm being torn apart. I don't know who to trust and what to believe anymore. I just wish that we could all pull together for each other and for our Mom.
I put up our tree hoping that somehow my Mom would be home by Christmas, but that's looking less likely right now. I'd like to have a little get together for my family on Christmas Eve, but who knows if anyone would come or if they would put their differences aside for one night. Right now, all I can think about is Christmas and past years spent with my family. For the last couple of years, we haven't even been getting together. I don't know why. You never know what's going to happen and you should spend time with your family for as long as you can.
I've been thinking about all my Mom used to do at Christmas time. I remember she used to scrub the floors and clean the house for days. Then she put up all the Christmas stuff and the tree. My Dad would put up our fake cardboard fireplace. Once everything was up, it was perfect. I remember coming home from school and  my Mom would have Christmas music playing on the record player and she'd make cocoa for us. She'd be in the kitchen cooking while we played or whatever. When it got close to Christmas, my Mom would make cookies, pies, fudge, divinity and how many other goodies. We always had a Christmas Eve party at our house with the whole family. It didn't matter who stepped in the door, they were family. I still think of them as that, even if maybe some of them don't feel that way. When I was younger, we'd always do a gift exchange. And I remember we always got clothes from our parents and not Santa. Santa always brought all the toys and fun stuff. When I was little, I never realized that Santa was really mainly my Mom. My Dad helped her, but she did most of it. I don't even know how she hid all that stuff from us. I used to get so much, that I never knew what to play with and it was hard to choose. We'd look and start playing with our presents and then it was time for pictures and then we went to church. I still can't believe all that my Mom did for us. She did so much and I love her for it. I don't know if very many mothers today would do all she did. We'd always go and visit the relatives after church. I'm so glad that we did. I still miss them as well. Most of them have been dead for a long time now. Even though they're gone, I still think of them and I have so many good memories of all of them. My Dad always took us to the Christmas lights in Ogden. That's something my Mom never did. I wonder if she just wanted some alone time for a while.

I don't know why, but I just felt like writing this tonight. I really hope that all my family and that includes everyone in the world has a wonderful Christmas this year. I hope everyone can put their differences aside and forgive and love each other. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? God gave his son as a gift to us and his son brought us the gift of love and forgiveness.