I'm all alone writing this. Usually my Mom is here with me. She went back into the hospital two weeks ago and now she's in a care facility. Who knows if she'll ever come home? I miss her being here in the house and it's way too quiet now. I try to pretend that she's just gone to the gambling town on the bus or she went there with my sister or something. I saw her yesterday and she didn't look good or very happy. I don't think I'd be happy either if I was her. First she had to deal with all the stuff with her heart, then she came home and had to go right back to the hospital for more stuff. I've been stressing out and worried about her and my family and what's going to happen.
Watching my shows has helped a little bit and Blake Shelton really made me smile and laugh with his Christmas special. Even Supernatural was pretty good this last Thursday. I had to go back to work as well. I'll probably be only working for a few more days. I can't take the inner conflict with my family either. I love them all, but it feels like I'm being torn apart. I don't know who to trust and what to believe anymore. I just wish that we could all pull together for each other and for our Mom.
I put up our tree hoping that somehow my Mom would be home by Christmas, but that's looking less likely right now. I'd like to have a little get together for my family on Christmas Eve, but who knows if anyone would come or if they would put their differences aside for one night. Right now, all I can think about is Christmas and past years spent with my family. For the last couple of years, we haven't even been getting together. I don't know why. You never know what's going to happen and you should spend time with your family for as long as you can.
I've been thinking about all my Mom used to do at Christmas time. I remember she used to scrub the floors and clean the house for days. Then she put up all the Christmas stuff and the tree. My Dad would put up our fake cardboard fireplace. Once everything was up, it was perfect. I remember coming home from school and my Mom would have Christmas music playing on the record player and she'd make cocoa for us. She'd be in the kitchen cooking while we played or whatever. When it got close to Christmas, my Mom would make cookies, pies, fudge, divinity and how many other goodies. We always had a Christmas Eve party at our house with the whole family. It didn't matter who stepped in the door, they were family. I still think of them as that, even if maybe some of them don't feel that way. When I was younger, we'd always do a gift exchange. And I remember we always got clothes from our parents and not Santa. Santa always brought all the toys and fun stuff. When I was little, I never realized that Santa was really mainly my Mom. My Dad helped her, but she did most of it. I don't even know how she hid all that stuff from us. I used to get so much, that I never knew what to play with and it was hard to choose. We'd look and start playing with our presents and then it was time for pictures and then we went to church. I still can't believe all that my Mom did for us. She did so much and I love her for it. I don't know if very many mothers today would do all she did. We'd always go and visit the relatives after church. I'm so glad that we did. I still miss them as well. Most of them have been dead for a long time now. Even though they're gone, I still think of them and I have so many good memories of all of them. My Dad always took us to the Christmas lights in Ogden. That's something my Mom never did. I wonder if she just wanted some alone time for a while.
I don't know why, but I just felt like writing this tonight. I really hope that all my family and that includes everyone in the world has a wonderful Christmas this year. I hope everyone can put their differences aside and forgive and love each other. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? God gave his son as a gift to us and his son brought us the gift of love and forgiveness.
